Childhoods, toxic relationships and coping…sort of.

I live in a perpetual state of ‘who, what, where, when, why & how?’. Here & now, I am committed to being honest with myself. That being said, I have to say that I’m truly afraid and not sure how to feel about everything else in my life. I’m not used to being…okay. It’s a weird thought, isn’t it? When all you’ve ever craved throughout your life is stability and peace, and when you have it…you don’t know what to do. I’m so used to things going horribly wrong that it’s almost as if I’m waiting for sh-t to hit the fan and gloriously rain down on my parade. And I feel so damn guilty about this. I guess I’d conclude this paragraph by really admitting to the fact that I am infinitely questioning my life. I suppose this would be an okay thing to do if it wasn’t impeding on my mental health. I would like to set the intention for myself of giving myself the permission to be happy and to always remember that life is for living. I do however, still want to deal with…my hurt. I don’t want to carry it with me forever. It’s becoming far too burdensome.

For starters, I spend all of my days getting over a childhood I never really had. As much as I don’t want to admit this because I think I’m truly an idiot for this, I love my parents. Every time I admit that though, I wonder if I love the people I thought they were? The thing is, often times, with a broken home comes a broken and heavy heart. It’s one of those pains that you carry with you all your life. I suppose it’s truly a matter of coming to terms with it that really enables you to let go. I’m not too sure how one would go about coming to terms with a skewed sense of reality and what truly was and is. I was a magician at hiding the hurt from not only the world, but myself. It’s just that, now, I’m starting to see.

I love my mother, and I miss her with all of my being. We’ve always had a complex relationship in terms of our roles as mother and daughter. She was more of a friend; one that used to really be there and then slowly disappeared. You know when your heart breaks because the person you thought was your best friend wasn’t really down for you? That, times five hundred thousand and seventy nine. Something like that.

We had an intense falling out, one I’m not sure can be repaired. I feel…let down, used, unloved, and unwanted. It’s actually the worst, I’m laughing at myself through tears at this point. It’s so hard writing this. I’ve spent the past few years highlighting the few good moments and painting a pretty little picture for the world about my relationship with my mother. But if we’re being honest, my anxiety and depression really do stem from both my parents. It just hit me harder with my mom because I love her more than anything on this earth (with the exception of my sisters). We haven’t spoken at all for about two months, which sadly isn’t the longest we’ve gone without speaking. Every day I wonder if she thinks about me or if she’s sorry for tearing me to shreds. I realize now that I’ve spent my entire childhood being sorry for things I don’t even know. And to be entirely honest, I’m still sorry and I don’t even know where I’ve gone wrong. Everyone else around me growing up would tell me they’d do anything for a child like me. I would cling to those moments hoping they’d love on me so hard I would forget every bit of hurt in my aching soul. I’ve actually only ever wanted parents to call my own. The sad reality is, that life isn’t meant for me. I envy people around me who have parents that love them unconditionally. I’m so glad they have this gift, truly. I’m just heartbroken that I don’t. This also makes me feel really guilty. I feel shitty that I can’t be happy for someone without feeling sad for myself. I’m sure this is a human trait, I’m just not too fond of it. Now more than ever, thoughts of my miscarriage haunt me. A part of me wanted to give my child everything I’ve ever wanted, in hopes that it would do anything to heal the parts of me that no one can see. I guess the universe wanted me to give that to myself first? I’m not too sure to be quite honest with you, or myself.

I miss my sisters. We do speak very regularly, but I need them. Not living with them feels like someone is dangling my life line an entire subway line away from me. I haven’t come to terms with everything that has taken place in the slightest. But time heals all, so they say. I’m happy living with my partner, don’t get me wrong. It just pains me to not see my sisters in the morning, not being able to pack their lunch, not looking over their homework and hearing about their day in the evenings. I miss seeing them smile in their sleep, and mumble that they love me when I kiss their foreheads. I love them, more than it is humanly possible to love someone. There are no words in my vocabulary that can truly express the immense emotion that overcomes my being when I think of how much I love them. I can’t wait for the future, where I’ll have a bigger place that we can all live in, and I can see them every day. Where I can witness their growth and hold them and love them the way they deserve to be loved. For now, our visits and phone calls will have to suffice.

I don’t really know how to live for myself. I suppose this would be a good time to focus on that, and I’m trying my hardest to do just that. I have honestly felt my energy shift for the better. And, I am healing, very slowly. It’s just that, every now and then, the little girl in me…is screaming on the inside. As a result, my smile fades quickly. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s okay to remove myself from toxic relationships and situations. But I walk around mellow…happy to be alive, but broken. I smile really hard when I speak to people, I giggle, I give them all of my positivity. Ultimately, it’s because I would never want anyone to feel what I feel, nor do I want to openly acknowledge how I feel in my interactions with people. I know it sounds very ‘holier than thou’ and corny. But it’s real. I just don’t want to open that can of worms most days.

Sorry I’ve been so m.i.a. Life clearly happened. I realize I wasn’t very detailed and may have rambled…I needed to get this out before I exploded though, thank you for being here. I truly appreciate it. Maybe some day I’ll actually write a book about my life. And maybe that day, I’ll change someone’s life. So be it. I genuinely hope you all are doing well and that life gives you more love and light than lemons (I do like lemons, I’m just not sure what else I’d say there. You get my drift though, right?).

I’m not too sure how to go about the rest of…life, I guess. I mean, I know what I want…I’m just kind of…sad right now. I’ll be okay, and I’ll figure it all out. I know this for sure. I always do. I’m good at that…figuring it out. I’m just a little sad on the inside these days is all. I’m only human.

Speak soon.

J xx

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